ive switched temporary locations, because for the price of one night at the initial place, i can get four here. and housing seems to be nowhere in the foreseeable future right now. im generally not pessimistic. maybe its just the continual pissy mood im in. i know i gave up the nice hotel for budgetary reasons. i know that for location and price, this place is a great deal. and is clean. its also under continual renovations and i go to sleep with paint fumes and plaster in my face because the common bathroom that vents into my room, is being renovated. so much for hepa filters and low-voc paint. the gentlemen in the adjacent rooms (probably the guys who were doing the painting) seem to have upper respiritory infections because i go to sleep to, and wake up to, continual, massive dry heaves. permethin is my new best friend, because it successfully keeps bed bugs away, and doesn’t smell too bad, but i wouldn’t really know, because i think i burned my nose on the paint earlier. i just know that the bugs are gone. i have a pretty good system of showering before and after bed, but the dry heaves are a deterrent and its been harder and harder to wake up and motivate each morning. i know that there are other backpackers staying here, but never see or hear them. maybe they leave after one night, ive stuck around for about 3 now. and honestly, i don’t even care. as long as i am safe, and i feel somewhat safe. the staff is friendly, its just as clean as the one i left, for a quarter of the price. and it’s as close to living on marine drive as ill ever get. i just hope that housing of some sort comes through soon, because as much as id love to ignore it, im dying here.
if i were moving to new york, i would give myself at least a month to find housing, so i try to remind myself that it might take a while. that’s the part that is fairly easy to understand and tolerate. my sense of time is sped up because im becoming desperate for a home base. what is so frustrating is the communication about the whole issue. i have asked for assistance with this well in advance of arriving here, and it seems like the subject is a huge game of hot potato. the host org thinks the sponsor org is doing it, and vice versa, even when i have said repeatedly that neither have done anything, and ask, please can someone help me find accommodation. contacting a broker on my own is just not something i feel comfortable doing, and before contacting the friends of friends i have been referred to, i wanted to see what my sponsors had to say. things seem to be in the hands of the host organization now, and they are trying a range of options that although im not entirely on board with, seem to be the channels that i need to go through because at least options are being eliminated. and i understand their reasoning based on my situation. its not new york, and i guess it really is not advised for a single girl to get a flat on her own, to live in all by herself, even if budget allows. so dorms, ywca’s etc are all being checked. and its still less than a week, i try to relax. unfortunately this weekend will be lost to two religious holidays, so when i think that it will probably be monday before i can even go look at a place, i get a little sad. and then the dry heaving in the showers, or the yelling on the phone starts and i want to scream and cry and kick the wall. there is nothing i can do except leave, and the effort of moving is still not worth leaving my bug-free and relatively safe bed, sights and sounds included.
at first, i don’t think anyone knew really what to do with me, except for the sponsors who had my official police registration as their main priority. going into any situation that has already been established is a lot easier for all involved, for example, a grantee working with a school that has had grantees come each year. in my case, i don’t think that people really understand what the grant is, why im here, and how that fits into their own normal situation. and theres the back and forth hot-potato between everyone again. maybe my expectations were unreasonably high, but ive been reading the grant info packet word for word since october, practically memorizing it, because it contained an outline of help and official assistance that allowed me to feel comfortable heading into this transition. in the end, everything is getting figured out, its just a little awkward. but it makes me think about why im really here, what exactly im doing, and how i need to go about it, very important things to have to define, even if on the spot. and its helping me learn how to ask, specifically, repeatedly, for things i need, even if i sound like im crazy, and imposing unreasonable demands.
so that’s enough to make me feel like a whiny bitch most of the time, and i hate giving that impression. i am beyond thankful for all the help ive been offered, and i have had immense help so far, from everyone ive met. that has been really amazing and reassuring. its not my intention to complain, or be ungrateful, im trying to record the frustrations i face on a daily basis so i can understand why they occur. obviously there are other solutions to these problems, im not so sure where to look. i know i have a network of resources, im not sure how to access it… these are things i try to work on a little bit every day. maybe in trying to be sensitive to this new culture, im holding back too much? im reluctant to call people because im not sure how to explain myself sometimes. i get take away for dinner because i get the impression that single ladies dining alone are not the accepted norm. i keep my eyes down when i walk. i refrain from sitting along the beach at night because im by myself. there is a huge bubble of self pity and doubt that i cross in and out of daily. its not pleasant.
despite the negative attitude expressed as a summary of my first week here, ive had an amazing time so far. fun, no. amazing, yes. i think there is progress every day, which keeps me from wanting to turn around and go home, leaving it all. im seeing beautiful art, buildings and people everyday. i got a bowl, and spoon so i can eat yogurt. i found my stash of bandaids, and vitamin c powder, i love mango juice boxes, and there is a good take-away place around the corner, and indian vogue is more interesting than the u.s. edition. the horns don’t bother me, im getting used to the heat, the roads, the dust. i have internet access now. these are the things that keep me going. someday i will unpack and find all the rest of the ‘important’ things i brought from home, to heel at home here, but the transition has me wondering if its even really all that necessary.
